Jack Osbourne shagged Paris Hilton?

All I have to say to this story is that my turn can't be too far away...

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne's son Jack has lost 22 kilos, beaten his drug habit, and penned an autobiography — but that's nothing compared to his most astonishing conquest.

Jack's parents have revealed he and Paris Hilton had an intimate relationship.

"Paris was always hanging around our house," Ozzy told The Sun. "I’m not sure if she was a friend of Kelly or Amy — which one was it, Sharon?"

Sharon awkwardly replied: "She was Jack’s, erm, friend."

A thrilled Ozzy exclaimed: "He didn’t shag her, did he? Well done, my son!"

For once, the incarcerated heiress is probably happy she doesn't have to face the public.

...I hope my ticket is still in my wallet when she calls.