Alcohol played a large role in his life

In the short but sweet category comes a report that has even made it into Fox News.

SYDNEY — A New Zealand man has been sentenced to community service after telling police he was raped by a wombat and the experience had made him speak "Australian".

Arthur Ross Cradock, 48, from the South Island town of Motueka, called police on February 11 and told them he was being raped at his home by the wombat and he needed help, The Nelson Mail newspaper reported.

Readers may or may not be aware that Sydney is home to the vast majority of those activists-in-animal-costumes that annoy the crap out of everybody who's more than 10 years old and who scare the crap out of the kiddies. I suspect that one of them, still dressed in his work clothes, stumbled into the wrong house after getting tanked at the local enviro-pub and proceeded to set about what he thought was his partner. It is Sydney, after all.

The orchard worker later called back and said: "Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right, you know."

Who would have thought that there was such as simple way to get people to talk Australian? No longer do we have to have government instructions printed in every language ever spoken since Babylonian times. The Department of Immigration and Citizenship just needs to hire a few wombats to do the job on arriving immigrants and voila, sie spracht Strine.

Cradock pleaded guilty in the local court to using a phone for a fictitious purpose. He was sentenced to 75 hours' community work.

If using a phone for fictitious purposes is a real crime then all of us are in a lot of trouble. "Honey, I'm working back late..." is enough for weekend detention when it really involves the close company of your receptionist (or wombat or favourite other marsupial) and inappropriate use of the board room table.

Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court alcohol played a large role in Cradock's life.

You don't say?

(Nothing Follows)